From: Satina To: Subject: [XFNC17ff] Not An Exercise in Subtlety Date: Thursday, March 15, 2001 2:39 AM Title: Not An Exercise in Subtlety Author: bizzzichick@yahoo.com (Satina) Rating: NC-17 Category: M/S, A, S, MulderTorture, Post-Ep (Anasazi), somewhat non-consensual sex Disclaimer: Sigh...no they aren't mine, at least legally, anyway. Chris Carter thought 'em up so he gets to deprive them of love and life as much as tickles his twisted fancy. I'm just using them without permission to rid my brain of some demented fantasies. You just might find yourself liking him better after you read this one. Notes: Mulder does something he normally wouldn't, while under the influence of the psychotropic substances in his water supply, as well as the grief and confusion over his father's death. You MUST see Anasazi or this will not make sense. Get your video out now. WARNING: This is a dark story. I am writing a sequel that will resolve things, but if you don't like feeling down at the end of a story, you may want to wait until part two is out before you read part one. Feedback: PLEASE please please! It contributes to my delinquency. It will also give me more impetus to write part two. I know, I'm a nasty bitch. What can I say? Months without Mulder makes me crazy! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Mulder nearly swerved off the road several times on the drive to Georgetown. The dizziness and hallucinations he'd been experiencing for the past few days, coupled with a lack of sleep and the grief over his father being gunned down in the room next to him, all combined to make him feel like the world was slowly slipping out of his grasp. As he pulled up to Scully's curb, he realized he had no idea how he had gotten there. He fell out of the car and stumbled up the stairs to Scully's building, the vision of his father's blood-soaked body blotting out any other thought. He stumbled and nearly fell several times, but finally made it to her door, where he knocked once and fell against it. Scully nearly went down under the weight of her partner as he collapsed against her once she got the door open. She helped him inside, assessing his condition while she made sure her door was closed and locked. He tried to slump into a chair, but she led him into her bedroom and laid him out on the bed. Mulder's breathing was heavy and his head rolled side to side on the pillow restlessly, his fists clenching and unclenching. Scully leaned over him and pressed a cool cloth to his head, murmuring words of comfort. Mulder's bile rose as the words swam in his mind. His vision was blurry and he was seeing sparks and zigzags swim across his field of vision. His hands were grasping at nothing and he couldn't seem to focus on anything but the immense tide of pure emotion roiling within him. The cool cloth seemed to help Mulder focus for just a moment, and his frantic gaze settled on the concerned pale face of his partner. Scully, as usual, here to put the ragged pieces of his body and his psyche back together again. Was she an angel? Was she real? She seemed a heady vision of pale, soft beauty in a world of evil and pain and confusion. He stared up into her eyes and his breathing steadied slightly. Scully was pinned by Mulder's intense expression as his eyes met hers. She found herself unable to look away, and even a little afraid of what lay behind those flashing, dark, unreadable eyes. She started to pull back from him, removing her trembling hand from the cloth she had applied to his forehead. His hand came up and gripped hers with a frightening intensity. "No. No don't go." The words came out low and hoarse. Not a request. A command. Scully swallowed hard and struggled to control her breathing. "M-Mulder, I'm just going to get you another blanket. I'm not going anywhere." She tried to reassure him with her eyes and the tone of her voice. "Don't need a blanket. Scully..." Mulder's jaw clenched as his eyes stared into hers with laser intensity. "Scully...I need you." Scully could see that Mulder was far over the edge, much worse than she had seen him when he had flown into the short rage in his office when first realizing the data on the digital tape was encrypted, and worse than when he punched Skinner in the face for no discernible reason. She felt afraid of her partner for the first time in her life. She tried to keep her voice steady and reassuring. It came out sounding breathy and small. "Mulder, I'm here." Scully leaned back in towards him. She was totally shocked when Mulder reached up with both hands and grabbed her face and pulled it down roughly, mashing her lips against his own. Scully felt twin emotions of desire and fear, fighting to take control of her thundering heart as her mouth was assailed by Mulder's lips, tongue and teeth. He growled against her as he shoved his tongue deeply into her mouth, sucking and licking, their teeth hitting together as he attempted to devour her. She could do nothing but submit, unable even to return the kiss. She felt herself go limp against him. His arms made their way down her back to her waist and grabbed it roughly, and she was yanked off balance, landing half-on and half-off Mulder, her feet hanging over the edge of the bed. Mulder's mouth left hers for seconds at a time as he struggled to move to the side and pull Scully completely onto the bed. His hands grabbed and pulled and yanked at her clothing. He was awash in a sea of pure, raw need. Scully was torn between struggling to get away, and helping Mulder remove her clothing so that he didn't destroy it. The feeling of his mouth devouring her, his hands taking possession of her, was making her head swim with years of pent-up sexual want and frustration. She was also afraid of what Mulder would do if she were to seriously resist. She knew in her heart that Mulder did not have control over his actions, and just the fact that he would act out on his own sexual urges with such ferociousness was proof to her that he might also resort to physical violence to assuage his needs. She knew escape from him was not worth what she might have to do to him to get away, or what he might do to her to get her to stay. She made a decision, as Mulder rolled over top of her on the bed, that she was going to totally give herself over to him, no matter what happened. She had never been so aroused in her life. Mulder had pulled her jacket off and thrown it across the bedroom and was now pulling at the buttons of her blouse, ripping several off in the process. His mouth continued to smother her in rough kisses, small growling noises coming from deep in his throat. Scully reached between them with shaking fingers and helped Mulder quickly undo the buttons, then struggling against the weight of Mulder's body, lifted herself enough to remove the blouse and pull it out from under them. She flung it on the floor and Mulder's hands were on her breasts, grasping and twisting and pressing. She looked up at Mulder's face and could see very little of her partner there. His eyes seemed focused on some far away internal point and his mouth was slack, his lips swollen and bruised from their frantic actions against her flesh. His breath was coming in gasps and pants and he was trembling fiercely. With a groan he sank his face into her breasts and sucked and licked and bit her through the satin fabric. His skin on her bare flesh burned. Scully moaned and writhed under him, digging her own nails into his back, running them up his heated flesh, pushing his tshirt ahead of them. Her own breath was coming fast and hard, somewhat blocked by the weight of her partner pressing against her chest and abdomen. "Mulder...shirt..." Scully gasped, pulling at the sweat and blood-soaked cotton. Wordlessly Mulder raised up off her just long enough to grab the back of his shirt and pull it off over his head, flinging it to the side of them. His body immediately sank back down on hers and his mouth covered one breast while his hands raked up and down her body, now fumbling for the fastening of her pants. At the contact of Mulder's scalding hot, sweaty flesh against her own, Scully cried out and her legs twined up around Mulder's hips, squeezing his body as closely to hers as she could get it. Mulder was having no luck finding the fastener to Scully's pants and he raised his head from her breasts to get a better look, scowling. Scully moaned at the loss of contact and realized that if she didn't help Mulder take her pants off they might well end up in shreds on her bedroom floor. She pushed Mulder's hands away from her waist and reached to the side and pulled the zipper down, raising her hips to allow her to remove the slacks. The action of raising her hips served to ram her pelvis hard against Mulder and she was shocked and thrilled to feel him so hard it caused her pain along with the jolt of pleasure. The collision caused Mulder to cry out and throw his head back and then press his body down against Scully's firmly, grunting and returning his hands to her breasts. She had only gotten her pants partway down her legs when she felt her body being pinned by Mulder's and felt his erection like a length of wood bruising her tender center. She sank her own teeth gently into the flesh of the side of his neck and sucked and licked. Her legs were trapped, frustrating her with the inability to wrap them around the scorching, writhing body atop her own. Mulder made a sound like a wounded animal as Scully assailed his flesh with her dainty lips, teeth and tongue. His body felt like a steel rod and his one thought was that he had to take possession of this soft, yeilding body beneath him right now. He had enough presence of mind to recognize the absence of Scully's legs around his body, and realized her pants were not yet all the way off. Growling and moaning in frustration at the same time, he raised up off of her body and yanked her panties down, gathering all of the fabric together where they ran into her half-removed slacks and ripping it all off in one rapid movement. Her shoes went flying off the end of the bed with her slacks and she was naked except for her socks and bra. Mulder didn't have time or interest in worrying about trivialities. Scully's trembling white fingers scrambled to unfasten his jeans, but he carelessly swatted them away and ripped them open himself, lying full on top of her as he pushed them and his underwear down his hips and legs and kicked them off the end of the bed, where they joined her panties and slacks in a sweaty heap. His hand pressed down her abdomen, reaching between her legs to make sure she was wet and ready for him. His fingers sank into hot moisture and pressed into slick, yeilding flesh. Scully arched against him and moaned. "Mulder..." He raised himself up and looked down her face. He saw that her makeup was smeared, that her mouth was reddened and that she appeared to have tears sparkling in her eyes. "Scully." It was the first word he'd spoken since that beginning kiss and it caused her to stop the movement of her hips and open her eyes to meet his gaze. For a moment, Scully thought she saw Mulder come back to himself a bit. The familiar look of love radiated down on her from his hazel depths. Then she watched a look of pain fill his eyes saw unshed tears well up. "No Mulder...no. This is good. This is right." She tried to make him understand with her eyes and her words, and saw the storm of emotion in him sweep back over his features. God how she loved this man. She felt her own tears tickle the corners of her eyes, and breathed shallowly, unable to break eye contact. Mulder's face twitched as he gritted his teeth against the insane physical rush of being this close...this close to possessing her. But he was so afraid...so afraid he was doing something she didn't want. He wanted her so bad he didn't think he'd go on breathing if he didn't have her soon. But he held back, waiting. She knew that if she were to resist now, she could probably get him to stop. For an undending few seconds, their ragged breathing was the only sound she heard above the pounding of her own heart. Then she reached up and twined both hands in Mulder's hair, pulling his face to hers for a deep, gentle but thorough kiss. This time instigated by her. It was the permission Mulder needed in his desperate state. He moaned into her mouth, his hands sliding up and down her body, thumbing her nipples, squeezing tender flesh, and then reaching between their bodies to grasp himself in one hand. Scully's sharp intake of breath as pressed the tip of himself against her made him freeze. She knew this would not be a gentle, loving union of their bodies and souls, but instead a frenzied coupling leading to a long-needed release. She smiled up into his face, tears shining in her eyes, and nodded quickly. Mulder's mouth went slack, his lips parting in a long groan as he rammed himself deeply inside her, burying himself all the way to the hilt. Scully gasped against the pain/pleasure/pure sensation of completely possessing and being possessed by Mulder. She willed her body to totally relax against the assault, feeling blinding heat, streaks of pain, and overwhelming pleasure swirling up through the core of her body and soul. She was spinning...spinning a void of sight and sound. She couldn't tell where he ended and she began. Mulder was pressed fully against her body, buried in her but not moving, breathing hotly into her ear. She felt her body stretch and relax around him and felt the need for movement. Tentatively, she shifted her hips under him. Mulder's groan was defeaning and caused her to roll her head to the side. Mulder very slowly started to raise up off of her, pulling himself back out of her as he did. Scully whimpered at the sharp hot sting of him sliding against the stretched and abraded flesh, but also felt the tension working on her clit, bringing her quickly back to a state of high arousal. She felt her thighs shake around him as he pulled almost all of the way out of her then pushed firmly but not violently all the way back in. Mulder was shaking viciously with the effort of holding himself back, but through the haze of his overwhelming physical need, he could see the looks of pain flitting across his partner's face, mingling with what he desperately hoped were looks of pleasure. Tears stung his eyes as some part of his mind registered that his pleaure was causing her pain, but he found it impossible to make his body withdraw completely from hers. He needed this...he needed HER too badly to stop. His moans mingling with the sound of his misery, he continued to thrust into her, willing her body to accept him with the least amount of injury possible. Scully felt the pain fade behind the waves of sensation and pleasure caused by Mulder sliding in and out of her. She gripped him with trembling legs and started to tilt her hips to increase the contact between his pubic bone and her center of pleasure. Mulder felt her begin to move against him and the pleasure of the physical sensation coupled with the joy of realizing she must be getting some pleasure from the act made him groan her name aloud. "Scully.." He wasn't going to last long. He wanted this to be pleasure for her first. His hand traveled down her body to the place where they were joined and he tried as gently as he could to feel for the small hard evidence of her arousal. Finding the hot little button of flesh, he pressed and stroked with shaking fingers as gently as he could, supporting himself with one trembling arm. Scully felt Mulder's fingers begin to work at her and the sensation was like a streak of fire through her body. The loss of control caused her to arch her back up, bucking her hips against his wildly. It was all she needed to lose control. Mulder's strokes became faster and his thrusts increased in intensity as he felt Scully tightening and started to convulse around him. He concentrated every last bit of his will on keeping his fingers moving as he felt her body tremble and shake and then undulate wildly beneath him, and heard a high keening moan tear itself from her throat in the crisis of her orgasm. As soon as he felt her begin to relax around him, he removed his hand so that he was fully supported on both arms and rammed himself deeply into her, over and over, sobbing and gasping as he released all of his confusion, love, heat and frustration deep inside her body. Scully felt Mulder come to his own release on the tail end of hers and gripped his body with her arms and legs as it jerked against hers. She felt a wave of emotion at the thought that her body could bring him such freedom. When it was over, she felt his body collapse on top of hers, deep, shuddering breaths coming from his tortured throat. She felt his breathing return somewhat to normal, but felt his body still shaking against her own. She took it for a symptom of exhaustion and the effects of his apparent illness, then with a start realized Mulder was crying against her. "Mulder?" She stroked her fingers through his sweat-soaked hair and tried to get his attention. Mulder felt the tears slide down his face and land on Scully's flesh as he sobbed against her shoulder. Now that the driving need to complete the act of sex was gone, his rational mind realized what he had just done. He wanted to die. He wanted nothing more than to take the gun that had shot his father and bring it to his own head and end it all right here. If it had been within reach, he would have. He took a long shuddering breath and realized he was also probably smothering her beneath the weight of his spent body. Feeling like a sick rapist, he rolled off of her and turned his back. He curled into a fetal ball and wept. He couldn't even look at her. He couldn't face what he would see in her eyes. The pain, the betrayal, the horror, the disgust, the hate. Scully felt Mulder roll off her and breathed deeply, relieved to be free of his weight but feeling the lack of his touch and warmth immediately. She watched him turn away from her and felt a stab of pain in her heart. Scully rolled over next to him, pressing her body up against his back. "Mulder...Mulder please..." At the touch of Scully's skin against his own, Mulder jerked and lifted his face from his hands. The cry that tore from his throat made Scully jump and move back quickly. "NNNOOOOOOO!" Mulder threw himself off the bed and stumbled into the living room. Dimly he realized he was naked and his clothes were back in the bedroom with so he couldn't leave. He sank down on his knees in the middle of the living room, sobbing. Scully pulled herself together as she watched Mulder lurch out of the bedroom. She didn't know what exactly was going through his head, but she knew he was sick and needed to rest badly. Biting back her own pain, she got out of bed and put on a long Tshirt, then went into her bathroom and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills. As she ran a glass under the faucet to fill it with water, she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. Her makeup was smeared all the way around her eyes, her hair was completely messed up, and her lips were red all the way around. She was sure they would be bruised come morning. She had scratches and red marks on her neck and shoulders and was positive she would have some finger-shaped bruises on her breasts as well. She would have to make sure he didn't see her in the morning. Her legs shook as she filled the glass, and she noticed her fingers were still trembling as she turned off the tap. Mulder. My god if he had done this and felt this much remorse, the act must have been completely out of his control. He must be incredibly sick. She had to help him. She walked into the living room and saw him crumpled in a heap on the floor. Tears began to roll down her face as she rushed to his side. "Mulder...Mulder please it's OK. I'm OK." She took his face in her hands and tried to get him to look at her. His face turned but his eyes remained closed, tears squeezing out from beneath the lashes. He couldn't bare to meet those eyes. She kissed his eyelids and cheeks, willing his tears to stop. "Mulder, I love you. Please...I've...I've brought you some medication. You need to take it. Please." He held out his hand for the pills. She placed them gently in his palm, then put her hands around his other hand to help him bring the glass of water to his lips. She made sure he swallowed the pills and finished the water. "Mulder...Mulder we can deal with this in the morning. Whatever you're feeling...we can talk about it then. Right now...Mulder you're sick. You're burning up with fever and you have got to rest." She pulled on his arms and like a robot he rose to a standing position and followed her. She led him into the bedroom once more, feeling the sense of deja vu from having gone through the same motions just a scant hour before when he arrived at her apartment. She turned him around and he sank down on the bed. Without a word, she picked his underwear out from the pile of clothes at the foot of the bed and handed them to him. He slowly put them on. When he had them on, she pressed him back against the bed and arranged his body lengthwise on the mattress. His eyes were closed the entire time, so she couldn't have been sure, but he seemed to fall into sleep almost instantly. She padded out to the living room and made herself a bed on her couch. She curled up and fell asleep, her quiet tears wetting her pillow. As soon as Scully left the room, Mulder opened his eyes. He surveyed the room, wincing as he realized the damage he had done to Scully's clothes and body just moments ago in this bed. He wanted to vomit, but he didn't have the energy to sit up. Feeling he had no more tears to shed, he finally closed his eyes out of sheer exhaustion and fell into a deep and troubled sleep. ............................................................... When he awoke, she was gone. And so were his gun and his files. His head swam with the drug and shock-induced paranoia and he struggled for balance as he shrugged into his blood-encrusted clothes and reached for the phone. .............................................................. Mulder floated to consciousness, the image of an elderly Native American man hovering over him. As he was trying to figure out if he was waking or dreaming, he became aware of a sharp pain in his left shoulder. Scully leaned over him with a glass of water. Mulder's thoughts swirled and brief feelings of guilt, anger, sadness and all fought for prominence as he tried to remember the events of the previous day. The last thing he could clearly remember was sinking down on the floor in his father's home, his hands slick with blood, his fingers dialing Scully's home number. He struggled to sit up and the bolt of pain made him lose his breath. He remembered. He remembered having Krycek at his mercy, and he remembered the feeling as his finger moved on the trigger. He felt a moment of triumph until he realized his bullet never reached its mark. "You shot me!" He whispered incredulously, fighting against the pain and anger. "I did, " Scully sighed sadly. "You didn't give me much choice. You were about to kill Krycek." As she spoke, she settled him back against the pillows. "Why'd you shoot me? He's the one!" Mulder felt like his thoughts were buried under layers of cotton. His words barely made sense to him. The frustration made him ill. Scully's voice was calm and rational. "If he is, then his weapon is probably the same one that killed your father." Mulder's confusion was blinding. "What are you talking about?" Scully continued patiently. "If you killed Krycek with that weapon, there would have been no way to prove that you didn't kill your father." Mulder's eyes closed as Scully's soothing explanation finally began to make some sense. He fought a wave of nausea as the implications of what she had done started to sink into his fragile awareness. She went on to explain how she had found out that someone had been poisoning the water supply in his building with a substance similar to LSD. He thought about the fevers, hallucinations, and outbursts, and tried to recall his last lucid memories. He suddenly remembered that there had been a murder a few doors down from his apartment during the visit from the Lone Gunmen. He felt himself swimming in incredulity, anger, and confusion as Scully told him how she'd driven him across the country, unconscious, to protect him from whomever was poisoning him and trying to destroy him. She told him she was sure they would have killed him. His heart swelled at her concern for his safety, and then he was hit by another feeling...one he couldn't for the life of him identify the source of. Overwhelming, devastating guilt. Why? Because she risked her job to save him? He kept feeling like there was more he should remember. Something to do with Scully. But as she explained that their Navajo host, Albert Holstein, was going to be able to decode the digital tape and possibly reveal to him the truth behind the existence of extraterrestrials, he let those niggling thoughts slide to the bottom of his consciousness. He desperately tried to focus on figuring out his next move. Scully was worried how Mulder would react upon awakening in a strange place, given his intoxication, the event at her apartment and then the circumstances surrounding his shoulder wound. She prepared herself for anything from anger to shock to total disbelief. She wasn't all that surprised when it turned out that Mulder didn't appear to remember what had happened prior to her shooting him. He'd been through enough emotional and physical trauma to make ten men insane. Scully knew now that Mulder had been caught in the grips of a powerful psychotropic substance, probably hallucinating, definitely psychotic. The effect of the drug coupled with the shock of his father's murder had caused a temporary psychotic break. It wasn't uncommon for people experiencing a psychotic break to experience "black out" or a loss of recall. In a way, Scully was relieved that Mulder couldn't remember. It made her own denial much easier. If not for him, then at least for her, the act had been infused with the years of locked down love and desire she had for her partner. To acknowledge those feelings, and deal with the changes that would bring in their relationship, was much more frightening to Scully than trying to repress one wild night of passion. She blocked the wave of pain that came over her as she realized that Mulder had probably barely been aware that he was even with her. She swallowed her own hurt, knowing that she was not going to tell him about it. He had to be able to focus on the matter at hand. Their lives depended on it. She would deal with her own jumbled feelings about this situation on her own. On the long drive back to Virginia, Scully finally let her tears fall. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx END PART ONE I'm sorry! Really I am! The sequel will make things better, you'll see! Go ahead...give it to me. bizzzichick@yahoo.com Title: Finding a Way (sequel to Not An Exercise in Subtlety) Author: bizzzichick@yahoo.com (Satina) http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/xtasy Rating: PG Category: MSR, A, S, fox/O Disclaimer: Sigh...no they aren't mine, at least legally, anyway. Chris Carter thought 'em up so he gets to deprive them of love and life as much as tickles his twisted fancy. I'm just using them without permission to rid my brain of some demented fantasies. Notes: I know. GASP...Satina writing a PG fanfic? Yeah yeah yeah...don't worry. Part Three will steam up your windows. Just read. You MUST read "Not An Exercise in Subtlety" or this will make NO sense. You must also watch "Anasazi." This is Part Two, where Mulder remembers, and tries to find a way to make things right. All will be resolved in Part Three. (evil chuckle) Feedback: PLEASE please please! It contributes to my delinquency. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Fox William Mulder drifted in the DreamTime. The faces of those who had passed on before came to him to lend him their strength and wisdom for the perilous journey ahead. He came to understand that he was part of a larger plan. And he came to realize that he was being sent back. One night (there is no real 'time' in the DreamTime, but it was one of the three nights he lay unconscious) as he drifted through levels of awareness, he was shown images which tore at his heart. Images of his rage, his violence against his superior. Images of paranoia and of attempted murder by his own hand. Finally, when he had full awareness of the source of his psychosis, he was shown images of his own body, needy and hungry and oblivious, taking selfish pleasure in the body of a woman. All he could see were limbs entwined, and he didn't know who the woman was. He was allowed to know only that he had forced himself on her and was using her body to rid himself of demons, emptiness, loneliness and pain, without giving of his heart. He cried out, his mental voice rending the very fabric of time and space, as he realized what had occurred. While he understood that his conscience had been eclipsed by the power of the hallucinogens in his water, he knew that he was still responsible for the pain he'd left in his wake. The images played before his eyes like a silent movie, and he wept and watched. He was not allowed to discern or even to contemplate the identity of the person he was with. As he experienced his deep guilt and sadness, remorse and anger, he continued to watch the scene. Once he had spiritually accepted his responsibility for having done something to wrong another in such a deep and profound way, he was allowed to see images which helped him to forgive himself. His partner in this act had reciprocated his advances, and it appeared that she had also taken great pleasure in his touch, as self-serving as it had been. He watched as just enough of her body's responses and movements were shown to him to reveal the depth of her pleasure. The evidence of her ecstasy was enough to effectively lessen his desire to end his life. She had not been completely unwilling. He thanked the benevolent spirits for that. The spirits knew that even in this dream-state, to reveal the identity of the one he'd wronged so deeply might destroy his fragile hold on life. They removed his desire to know it. It was as if it didn't matter to him. Because, of course, it mattered more than anything. More than his own life. And he had work to do. As he mourned for this faceless woman he had used and wept for himself, he was given the understanding that he was meant to atone for this act, but that first he must return and continue with his unfinished work. He understood that lives depended on him being unimpeded by the guilt and preoccupation of how to make amends, and that when the time was right, he would then be given back his memories in full, and would be expected to find a way to make things as right as he could. All memory of the events of that night were then moved from his conscious memory once more. And he drifted. .................................................... He walked into the hospital room and felt his heart sink as he took sight of the empty, neatly-made hospital bed. The lights were off and the room was in shadows. The small, prim figure of Scully's body was turned toward the bed, sitting vigil for a body and a soul that were no longer there. She turned and spoke to him and the pain in her voice tore into his heart. He reached for her, and as he tried to say the words he thought would bring her peace, his soul began to open like a new rose. Scully found some solace in his soothing warm voice, and recommitted herself to working beside him as his partner on the x-files. Mulder's soul responded to Scully's devotion and he wrapped his arms around her, trying desperately to convey his deep love and commitment to his partner. Their bodies melded together and he held her. And he held her. And as she pulled away to stand, he remembered. He remembered the night before he was shot. Mulder remained there, frozen on his knees, the images of that night slamming into his memory, one after another. Scully's frightened face. Mulder's hands ripping away her clothes...bruising tender pale flesh and leaving trails of red from careless fingernails. Scully's tear-filled eyes gazing up at him, still able to give him love even when he was barely present to receive it. He knew. He knew what he had done. And he knew to whom he had done it. And he couldn't breathe. And he couldn't move. Scully stood, wiping her eyes and brushing the hair from her face, then noticed Mulder wasn't rising with her. She looked down and saw that his gaze was somewhere far away. She didn't know how a man could survive all that he had in the past weeks and still be sane, and so she allowed him this moment of reflection and simply stood beside him. When she had counted twenty breaths, she finally spoke. "Mulder?" Mulder's face turned up to meet hers slowly, and as his eyes made contact with hers he seemed to awaken from a deep waking dream. For a moment she saw the terror and the pain and the deep sadness that he lived with. Then the Mulder mask returned and his face became impassive, betraying no sign of the storm within. His gaze quickly fell to the floor and he rose and stood. Wordlessly he took her hand and they walked out of the empty hospital room. He knew he had to find a way to tell her. To let her know that he knew. To tell her that it had NOT just been a release of all of his pain and fear and loneliness and rage and confusion...yes it had been that, but it had also been an explosion of all of his love for her. He had needed her then only as much as he always needed her...as much as he always would. His soul had cried out for completion and his body had taken control. He loved her. He loved her so deeply it was killing him to be without her. He had not been able to express that to her at the time. He would find a way now. He would find a way. ............................................................. After Mulder had seen Scully safely home, he returned to his apartment. His thoughts and emotions swirled around him and he found himself in his shower, attempting to wash away the filth and grime from his soul as well as his body. He stood with his hands flat against the shower walls until the water ran cold. He finally turned off the stream and stepped out, trembling. He dressed, then sat on his couch, head in his hands. The light of day gave way to the dusky shades of evening, and still he sat. He made no move to turn on a light. He felt his body weighted down with the overwhelming burden of his soul's weeping. No tears fell from his eyes. He had shed them all already. He could only sit. And breathe. He felt his physical body swirl away as his awareness shrank to the size of a dust mote. Colors swam across his field of vision as he felt himself slip deeply into a trance state. He was totally unaware of his body now, and was once again adrift in the DreamTime, but this time there was no one around him. Only starry blackness and silence. Then he heard the voice of Albert Holstein. "FBI man. You come again to the place between worlds to find the path for your feet to take. The work you began before your first death is now resolved, but now you have new work to do." "I don't know what to do. It hurts...it hurts me to know that I've hurt her so badly. I don't want to go on living, knowing I'm the source of that kind of pain. Knowing I've hurt her...HER...the only one that matters to me." "I know, FBI man. Your love for this woman transcends your estimation of your own value. It transcends even the physical plane. Your bond is as fated as your quest. But what you need to understand is that this self-pity and torture does not serve her, nor does it serve to bring about the healing that you require for your own soul." Ashamed, Mulder fell silent. Time stretched on as he absorbed the words of the medicine man. "I...I need help, Albert. I feel that what I've done cannot be forgiven...the damage so great it cannot be undone." "You are right that you cannot undo the things you have done. But you are wrong that these things cannot be forgiven. She forgives you already. And it is only in your forgiveness of yourself that you will be able to make things right once again." "How?" "You must find the way, FBI man. If you set your feet to the path, the journey will become apparent. Do not waste time." And he was alone again. Mulder first became aware of the feeling of his face pressed against his hands, then the ache of muscles that had not moved in hours. It was dark, so as he looked up from his hands he was not sure whether he was here or *there.* But as the shapes around him began to coalesce into familiar objects, he realized he was in his apartment. He stood and stretched, hearing his cramped neck and back pop in the quiet of the room. Then he walked to his bedroom and pulled out his overnight bag. He knew what he had to do now. And he wouldn't need to pack much. ..................................... Albert Holstein had not seemed surprised to get the call from Mulder. Mulder let go of his own doubts and simply asked Albert the things he needed to know. He was going on a vision quest. Albert had told him that it was simple. That he was to go into the wilderness with only the clothes on his back. He was to take no food, no water, no weapons or tools of any kind. He would simply walk into the wilderness and let nature talk. And his hunger, thirst and exhaustion would help him to hear. Mulder felt grateful that he could satisfy his need to punish his body and mind while finding the way he would make things right with Scully. He actually looked forward to pushing his physical endurance to the limit, and relished the coming pain. He made a call to Scully and explained that he was going to take a few days off. After his speech about getting right back to work at the hospital, Scully felt some confusion and concern, but she was calmed by the peace in Mulder's voice. It was the same peace she had heard when he had comforted her at her sister's death. She hadn't heard it often, and was surprised to hear it now. So without another thought against it, she said good-bye. Mulder got in the car and drove until he was in the forest. It was the same area Duane Barry had taken Scully to, and he felt it only poetic justice that he should re-experience the soul- wrenching pain of her loss as made his way deeper into the trees. He parked the car on an old logging road and, leaving all of his possessions except for his keys, started walking. He was dressed in long underwear, jeans, thermal socks and hiking boots, an insulated flannel shirt and a cold-weather waterproof parka. He carried no matches, no knife, no water and no food. He walked. After he had walked for a few hours, he felt his throat burn from the lack of water. He welcomed the punishing pain and continued to walk. After a few hours more, his light-headedness caused him to stop, and he leaned on a large rock, breathing deeply. The light was beginning to fade to dusk, and he wondered if he should try to make a camp, or if he was supposed to continue to walk. Exhaustion won out, and he gathered sticks and branches to form a lean-to against the rock. He dug a sloping depression to sleep in, cleared away the sharp stones and debris, and laid down on the dirt. He felt the grit against his face and heard his stomach grumble. As his breathing leveled out, he became aware of the sounds of the forest around him. He heard the crickets and he heard the rustling of small animals. He heard the far-off cries of unidentified birds winging home to the nest, and once he thought he heard cracking sticks within mere feet of his makeshift camp. But he didn't hear anything in answer to his question. The question that throbbed in his mind like a separate heartbeat and drove him to endure the hunger, thirst and cold. He fell asleep with it still thrumming in his head. Mulder awoke in the early hours of the morning, just as the sun was beginning to pour itself between the branches of the surrounding trees with a tickling lavender light. The ground was wet. His body was stiff. And he was hungry. So hungry. He blinked against the increasing brightness and swallowed hard against his body's demand for food and drink. His throat felt so parched that he didn't feel he could have made a sound, had he tried to use his voice. But he didn't try. He stretched his protesting limbs and started walking. He heard the sound of a rushing stream and his breath started coming in little pants as he came closer and closer. Finally he crested a small hill and saw it below him, sparkling between the banks of fern and bushes. He hurriedly made his way through the undergrowth, only half-aware that he was making an attempt to avoid poison ivy and nettle. He sank to his knees in the soft, spongy earth at the side of the stream and heard himself grunt as he lowered his face to the surface and scooped in cold, life-giving hands full. He drank and drank and drank until the sweet pain of his distended stomach forced him to fall back, gasping. He used the water to wash his face and hands then stood to look over the area. His thirst assuaged, his hunger roared forth once more. He picked his way carefully along the sides of the small stream, and soon came upon a thicket of dark blue berries. Remembering that poisonous berries were usually bright red and bitter, he nibbled the edge of one piece of the fruit, and sighed deeply at the pleasure of the sweet juice filling his mouth. He eagerly picked hands full of the berries, shoving them into his mouth as quickly as he could free them from the vine. When he had eaten as many as he could, he picked more, wrapping them in large fronds from the ferns and shoving them into his breast pockets. He then turned back into the forest and commenced his walk. He heard a small rustling sound and froze. He didn't want to run into anything he couldn't best with his hands, and he searched the ground with his eyes, looking for a branch big enough to use in his defense. His arm relaxed and he allowed himself a grin as he saw two chipmunks skitter across the area directly in front of him. One of the tiny animals was running after the other, and they both made little twittering noises as the game of tag went on. He saw the animal in the lead run under a large bush and the pursuing creature seemed to lose track of it. He watched with the fascination of a small child as the chipmunk left behind reared up on its hind legs, scanning the area for evidence of his partner. The little animal ran to one side and then the other, finally scampering halfway up a tree to get a better view. Mulder saw the other animal sneak up around the back of the tree and surprise the first, causing a small explosion of chittering and frantic circling of reunited friends. Mulder felt his face break into a rare teeth-baring grin as he watched the chipmunks circle their way up the tree, back to their partnership games. Mulder continued his walk, scanning the trees for evidence of bird nests. At this moment, the thought of small wild bird's eggs breaking over his tongue made him dizzy with hunger. He found some nests and successfully extracted enough eggs to assuage his hunger. He made note of what type of tree and undergrowth seemed to be most likely to harbor bird's nests, then turned and started to make his way up a steep hillside covered with large rocks and small trees. Enjoying the sun on his face and the warmth of exertion through his body, he was only half-aware when a movement caught his attention at the corner of his vision. Remembering his over-reaction to the last horrifying beast, he stopped and turned a relaxed gaze toward the clattering rocks. He was just about to resume his climb, when he saw the long light brown body. A snake. A big one. Mulder didn't know enough about snakes to tell which kind. He didn't know whether it was poisonous or not, but his fear wouldn't have been allayed much even if he had known that he couldn't die from its bite. His heart pounding in his throat, he scanned the area once more for a worthy method of defense. He needn't have worried. Before his shocked eyes, he watched a huge bird of prey swoop down and scoop the snake up into its talons. In a flutter of wings and an ear-shattering screech, the threat was gone. Mulder quickly surveyed the area to see if the snake, like the chipmunk, had been travelling with companions, but than unfortunate creature appeared to have been on its own. Mulder felt his shoulders relax, relived to be free of the threat of the snake. The sun was high overhead when Mulder finally reached the summit of the small mountain, and he caught his breath at the site of the misty forest laid out at his feet. He rested his palms on his thighs as he breathed in the thin mountain air. He felt alone, but not lonely. He was used to being alone, and he felt a peace settle over him, though he didn't know the source. He supposed it was just being this close to the source of all life, very little separating him from the wild creatures living their lives around him. He breathed deeply and absorbed the thrumming of the life around him, content in the moment. Scully. Oh god Scully. How was he going to make things right? He had been walking for two days and a night and he still didn't know what he was supposed to do when his vision quest was over. His analytical mind went back over the events of his quest so far. He had found shelter beside a large rock. He had been thirsty and had followed the sounds of a trickling stream to a delicious freshwater source from which he had drunk his fill. He had found berries he was afraid would be poisonous, but which had turned out to be sweeter than any he'd ever purchased in a store. He had been given the eggs of the birds when his body needed more substantive nourishment than the berries could give him. He had seen chipmunks chasing one another, and had seen the forlorn searching of the one animal when it had lost sight of the other, then had seen the joyful reunion as the two had found each other once again. He had witnessed the quick demise of a lone snake, crawling out from its lair to experience some of the noonday sun. And now he saw a primordial world below him, breathing and humming and alive with energy. He started to understand what the forest was saying, but it wasn't enough. He still didn't know his next step. He only knew that the light was fading and he should probably climb down the mountain and make camp before nightfall. This time as he curled up in the shelter of another large rock, his throat was moist, his stomach was full, and he quickly fell into a deep, satisfying sleep. Mulder awoke the next morning, feeling grimy and dirty, but without that desperate need for food and water that had jerked him awake the day before. He grimaced as he ran his tongue over unbrushed teeth and wondered what the Natives did for oral hygiene. He remembered something about a peelu tree whose bark kept teeth strong and healthy. Well he had no goddamned idea what a peelu tree looked like, but he figured he could probably fashion a makeshift toothbrush from a stringy twig. He did so, then began his walk to look for food and water. He used the position of the sun and turned himself back in the direction he had originally come from, ready to make his way back to his parked vehicle. He knew it would be at least a day's walk, maybe two. He also knew the forest was abundant and would provide enough sustenance for him to make the journey. He walked. And he walked. The sun was directly overhead and Mulder was climbing another small hill when he saw a group of rocks much like the one that had been the resting place of the doomed snake yesterday. Curious but cautious, he made a wide circle of the area, keeping his eyes trained on all the dark crevices between the stones.\ He froze when he saw movement. His eyes widened and his mouth fell open when he realized what creature made his home in these rocks. A red fox peeked at him from a dark crack in the rubble, his eyes staring directly into Mulder's. Into Fox's. Time stood still as Fox and fox stared at one another. Finally the fox withdrew back into its lair and Mulder breathed again. He wasn't stupid enough to miss the obvious connection between being allowed to see this elusive creature and his ever-scorned name. Putting that connection aside for a moment, his memory went back to the time staring at the fox, and he marvelled at the sight of the sun glinting off warm red fur. This time the thought didn't bring it with it a wave of black guilt and confusion, but rather a longing sadness and a fleeting smile. He started climbing again, but heard the scrabble in the rocks behind him and stopped again. He stood completely still, not making a noise and waited. He saw one twitching red muzzle poke itself out between the rocks. It appeared to be sniffing for danger. Mulder thought it would probably catch a good whiff of him, since he hadn't showered in days, and was rather surprised when the fox made his way out of the hole and sat in front it on its haunches, panting leisurely. He was even more surprised when he saw a second fox, this one slightly smaller and scruffier looking, pad out behind the first and sit next to it, yawning in the sun. Mulder stood not fifteen feet away as this young fox couple took in the noonday splendor of the forest. The smaller fox reached up and playfully nipped the larger on the ear. The larger one shook off the assault, then turned and grabbed the other playfully at the scruff. Mulder heard small yips and snuffling growls as the two foxes enjoyed playfully attacking one another. The larger fox then got the smaller one in a firm hold by the scruff, then raised its forepaws and planted them on the shoulders of the smaller animal. Mulder watched the female foxes eyes blink slowly as she became still and receptive under the weight of the male. The male's haunches pressed against the rear of the female and the two jostled to get into better position as Mulder watched their copulation begin. He felt oddly embarrassed as he watched the animal act of coupling going on before him, the two animals making soft whimpering sounds as they continued their union. They completed the act, and the male slid down off the back of the female, and he licked her fur as she stood up. They sniffed around one another, curious at the new scent their combined body odors had produced, then they loped off down the hill and out of Mulder's sight. Mulder sank to the ground and sat down on the slope, trying to rationalize the incredible demonstration he'd just been privy to. He knew enough to know that foxes were very shy creatures, and he knew the first fox had seen him. In fact, it had looked him right in the eyes for several moments before going back into its den. He also knew that the extremely mistrustful animal would never normally let down its guard around a strange human for something so dangerous as the oblivion of copulation. Yes what he had witnessed had definitely been meant by nature for him to see. Now. What was the message? Mulder laughed to himself as the simplest explanation brought itself to mind. Foxes fucking. In front of Fox. So...he was supposed to be getting some. OK maybe that was a little crude. But he suspected it was eerily close to the truth. He stood and resumed his trek down the hillside as he went over it all in his mind. A vision quest is nature talking to you, and you being far enough removed from your everyday, civilized concerns to hear her. It will talk to you not in the language of any certain spiritual devotion, such as the accepted Native traditions, but rather in a language that has meaning for you and you alone. Mulder (Fox) thought back over his experiences once again, this time examining the depth of the meaning of each one to him. He had come to the forest angry, lonely, sad and scared. He had found shelter with a rock. OK. Rock. What did he think of when he heard the word rock. Rock of Gibraltar? No. Rock of Ages? Eh... Oh. That. Well, yeah, he had often thought that to himself. Scully was his rock. The one constant in his life. A shelter in the face of any maelstrom. He sighed. Mulder tried to be objective as he considered this. He had used the rock, too. But unlike Scully, the rock had been none the worse for wear when he had moved on. He squeezed his eyes closed against the selfishness of the thought and moved to the next experience. OK. He had awakened thirsty, hungry, hurting and alone. He had started walking and had heard the sound of the stream, and had found himself easily following the sound to its source, his body seeming to point him in the direction of what he needed. He closed his eyes against the pain and moved on. After drinking his fill from the stream, his hunger had hit, and with further exploration he had found a berry thicket. He had been afraid that they were poisonous, not willing to take their beauty at face value. But he risked a tiny nibble and had found that not only were they not poisonous, but they were the sweetest he'd tasted and they satisfied his hunger. His head shook as the connection to his partner once again slapped him in the face. When his beautiful red-headed partner had entered his basement office that first day, he had thought her a spy. He had been terrified to let down his guard for fear that she would hurt him. She had been too smart, too warm, and too gorgeous to be true. Slowly he had let her in. And he had found that not only was she not out to hurt him, but she contributed a beauty and meaning and to his life that he had not dared to ever expect. And she was delicious. He had kissed her, and though his mind had been fogged with psychotropics, he remembered that she had tasted more delicious than any sweet fruit. He sighed, and felt a warm stirring between his legs. He rolled his eyes and tried to get his mind back on his quest, walking more briskly. After he had eaten the berries, his body had made him aware that his hunger was greater than berries alone could sate. He needed something more substantial. He had searched in the trees and had found eggs. He had eaten the eggs and the protein source had finally given him a feeling of satisfaction. Mulder gasped aloud at this unbidden thought. Mulder became heady with the impact of the connection between seemingly meaningless forest foraging and his night of abandon in Scully's bed. Mulder stopped and looked around himself. He thought the brush and trees looked vaguely familiar, and thought he might just make it back to the car by nightfall. He resumed his walk and quickened his pace. After he had eaten, he had encountered the chipmunks. He had seen them playing happily, then he'd seen one lose the other in the thick brush. He had watched the little animal frantically search for its mate, then had seen the joyful, playful reunion when they had found one another again. He smiled and continued walking. He had climbed up the mountain and been surprised by the snake. It had been a large, strong, frightening creature, crawling out from the shelter of the stones to warm itself in the sun. But before it even knew what hit it, it had been snatched from the ground and had met its end with a bird of prey. This was getting easier. He was almost done and his heart was pounding painfully in his chest as he practically jogged through the tangled undergrowth. After he'd slept in the shelter of another rock he had watched two foxes let down their deep, necessary, and natural mistrust enough to revel in the joy of one another under the bright sun, oblivious to the potential danger for just a moment. Fox knew now the path he was supposed to be on. He broke into a run, a cheerful glint in his eye and a grin on his face. ........................................... END PART TWO Feedback? Bring it on. bizzzichick@yahoo.com ===== ~Satina (All NC-17, all the time.) ;-) http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/xtasy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "For Christ's sake, fuck that girl. Look at the way she's looking at you. Are you blind? Why do you think her mouth is always open?" (DD on what advice he'd give Mulder.) Title: Good Medicine (Part 3 of "Not An Exercise in Subtlety") Author: bizzzichick@yahoo.com (Satina) http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/xtasy Rating: NC-17 Category: MSR, A, DAL, SMUT Disclaimer: Sigh...no they aren't mine, at least legally, anyway. Chris Carter thought 'em up so he gets to deprive them of love and life as much as tickles his twisted fancy. I'm just using them without permission to rid my brain of some demented fantasies. Notes: This is part 3 of the series, "Not An Exercise in Subtlety." It won't make sense at all if you don't read parts 1 and 2 first. So go to my site and get up to speed if you need to, then come and back and dive in. You can find the complete story at http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/xtasy I hope you enjoy it. Feedback: PLEASE please please! It contributes to my delinquency. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx "Hello?" "Scully it's me." "Mulder! Where are you?" "I'm home. I'm at my apartment." "I've been trying to reach you, Mulder. Where have you been?" "I left town for a few days...to get my head together. Why? What's wrong?" "Nothing's wrong...I just wanted to make sure you were okay." "I'm okay, Scully. I'm fine. Scully..." "What? What is it Mulder?" "I need to talk to you. Is it all right if I come over?" "Sure Mulder." "Great. I'll be over in about forty-five minutes." Mulder hung up the phone and let out a deep sigh of relief. Walking to his bedroom, he discovered his palms were sweating. He yanked open his dresser, then shut it again in favor of whipping his clothes around in his closet. He grabbed a black dress shirt and a blue one and threw them on the bed. As he was trying to decide which one Scully might prefer, he realized he had never, in his years working with her, considered her preferences when selecting his attire. Or when doing much of anything, really. He was going to change that. Things were so different now. He owed Scully everything. And since he had taken something from her that she hadn't exactly been ready to offer, he was going to make a serious effort to give to her in every way he knew how. He realized the idea of doing things just to bring Scully a bit of happiness made him happy too. He grinned and chose the blue one. The black was sexy, but blue seemed more warm and friendly. And he wanted Scully's love, not her lust. Well, he would like to have her lust, too, but if all she could do is receive his love, he would be content with that. On the drive over, he started having some serious doubts. By the time Mulder pulled up in front of Scully's building, he wasn't even sure he still wanted to do this. He even reached into his coat at one point to call her on his cell phone and cancel the whole thing, then stopped with it halfway to his ear, and slipped it back into his pocket. The thought of continuing to live with the knowledge of what he had done, and having to face her knowing he had done nothing to even try to make amends, was too much for him to bear. He had enough to carry in his heart that he was helpless to change. This, at least, he could do his damndest to atone for. Deep breath. Step out of the car. Up the stairs. Down the hall. Now we knock. "Mulder?" "Yeah." "Come on in, I was just making some food." Mulder swallowed hard and opened the door. Scully drained the pasta and dumped it into a bowl, then grabbed the pan of sauce and poured it over the top. She was pulling some precut salad greens out of the fridge when she heard Mulder's knock. Scully felt some anxiety along with relief at finally hearing from her missing partner. "Hi. Have a seat. Can I get you some coffee, soda...oh that's right. Iced tea." Mulder smiled. "That's great." He folded himself awkwardly into one of her pretty little wooden kitchen chairs. He noticed the place set for him at the table, and sighed. The only place he ever had someone set a place for him was at restaurants, and it certainly didn't give him that warm and welcomed feeling he had now. Scully came out of the kitchen with two big bowls in her hands, and Mulder quickly rose from his chair to help her bring them to the table. Arching her eyebrows, Scully handed him one of the bowls. She sat down across from him and spread her napkin daintily in her lap. Scooping some salad onto her plate, she gestured to the bowl of pasta and sauce. "Help yourself, Mulder." He did, serving himself a large steaming portion gratefully. Since his diet had consisted of river water, berries and wild bird's eggs for the past few days, the savory smell of the pasta was nearly making him drool. He licked his lips and waited for her to take the first bite. Scully watched Mulder while she scooped up her own pasta, wondering when he was going to spring his latest crazy theory on her. Her doctor's instincts were sizing him up even as she twirled her fork through the strands of spaghetti. She decided she would let him make the first move and said nothing. Mulder was doing his own sizing up as he scooped a pile of salad greens onto his plate. His gaze travelled up the tight, soft light blue sweater Scully was wearing. He quickly brought his eyes up to her face and his lips parted unconsciously as Scully brought a forkful of noodles and sauce up to her mouth and opened her lips to take a bite. He found himself unable to look away as a small bit of sauce was left at the corner of Scully's mouth, only to be quickly swept away by a tiny pink tongue. Mulder swallowed hard, realized his mouth was open, snapped it shut and quickly looked down at his plate. Mulder scooped up a huge fork full of food and crammed it into his mouth, keeping his eyes on his plate. Scully was pleased to see Mulder digging into his food enthusiastically. He looked like he could use a good healthy meal, and she was glad he had wanted to come over. She worried about him when he wasn't with her. Hell, she worried about him when he was. The meal passed in silence, the sound of forks twirling against china broken intermittently by little smacking sounds and ice clinking in glasses. When the pasta was gone and the tea had been downed, Mulder set his fork down nervously, wiped his lips, and cleared his throat. "Thanks for the dinner, Scully. It was really good." "You're welcome, Mulder. You looked hungry." She gave him a small encouraging smile. "Yeah, I was. I was." "Uh...Scully?" Scully looked at him quizzically. "Yes?" "Can we...can we go into the living room?" Scully's eyebrows went up but she nodded. "Sure." He rose and waited as she cleared the table and stacked the dishes in the sink. He let her lead him into the living room. She curled up on the end of her couch, tucking her legs up under her. Mulder felt his heart beating in his throat as he followed her into the room. He decided this would be easier if he weren't sitting too close to her, and lowered himself slowly into a chair at an angle to her. Scully tilted her head and pursed her lips just a little, getting a bit impatient with Mulder's stall tactics. Mulder shifted in the chair and cleared his throat again. "Scully...I need to tell you something." She arched her eyebrows once more in encouragement. "When I was under the influence of the hallucinogens in my water, I...did some things I'm ashamed of, Scully." Scully shifted uncomfortably. "Oh. Well, Mulder...I think Skinner understands perfectly that you weren't yourself. And I certainly know that you wouldn't have..." Scully looked down at the floor, "wouldn't have acted the way you did if you hadn't been suffering from the effects of the drugs." She glanced up cautiously. Mulder's mouth was a thin line and his throat was working as he tried to swallow. He still wasn't looking at her. Scully dropped her eyes back to the floor and breathed slowly and deeply, willing herself to relax. "Mulder..." "Scully I have to say this." Scully's eyes burned and she stared at the carpet. Mulder's voice came out low and scratchy, but he made himself keep talking. "When I was recovering from the drugs and being shot..." His throat clenched painfully at the memory of how he had gotten angry at her for what had ultimately saved him. "I didn't remember everything that had happened to me during my...loss of control." His hands twisted in his lap. "Scully...I...my memories have come back to me about some of the things I did during that time. Some terrible, awful things. And Scully...I'm sorry." His voice lowered to a choked whisper on the last part of his speech. But she had heard it. She felt herself blush furiously and wasn't sure if he meant the rage, the mistrust, the yelling...or something else. "I already told you, Mulder," She said, stealing glances up at him from under lowered eyes. "I know it wasn't you. I know you would never...do those things." "No, Scully. I...I know this is hard for you to hear. It's hard for me to say. But...you've been dealing with it for weeks now and I haven't said what needed to be said. Because I didn't remember, Scully. I swear to you I didn't remember." The words were tumbling out now, his voice shaking and hoarse. "If I had known...what I had done to you, Scully...I...I would have...I don't know Scully I just would have done things differently!" He sank his face into his hands and raked them through his hair. Scully watched Mulder torture himself with his confession, feeling tears sting in her eyes, unable to say anything. She found it difficult to see him in such pain, but her own shame and embarrassment was more overwhelming. She curled more tightly into herself and saw the pattern of her upholstery blur as her tears finally silently overflowed. Mulder heard her shaking breaths as she tried to hide her tears from him and he felt his chin start to tremble. The pain was like a knife through the center of his soul. They shared their silent misery for a few moments, then Mulder swiped away his tears with thumb and forefinger and spoke, staring at the floor. "Scully, I know I came to you that night. And I know I took something from you that I had no right to. I don't expect your forgiveness. I don't even want it, Scully. I just want you to know. I know what I did. I know how wrong...God how fucking wrong it was, Scully. And I'm sorry. I'm so...so....so...sorry." Mulder didn't let his tears fall again. He didn't deserve to be crying here. He wasn't the one who was hurt. Scully's voice was just a whisper. "Mulder...I know. I knew then. It's okay, Mulder. I'm okay." Her voice broke on the last word and she cursed herself for her weakness as the tears fell again. "Scully...please...I came here because I want you to know. I'm sorry...I'm sorry that I took advantage of you...that I..." His throat closed and his eyes squeezed shut. "...*forced* you. But, you deserve to know something else Scully." "Mulder..." "No. I have to say this. Scully...I want you to know. *I* was there. It WAS me, Scully. I don't want you to think that you were just..." He swallowed hard. "...that you were just a means to an end." He growled the last words. "Scully, I came to you because I was lost. I came to you like I always do, Scully...because I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how to keep on breathing. And my body...my body just took comfort the only way it knew how." It was Mulder's turn to cry, and his head sank back into his hands and he tried to hide his quiet sobs. Scully looked up at the gut-wrenching sounds and watched her partner shake with his weeping. Sighing heavily she blinked her tears away. She uncurled her legs and slowly crossed the short distance between them and gently put a hand on his shoulder. Her touch was like a branding iron. "No! Don't comfort me, Scully. I don't deserve it! I hurt YOU, Scully. I'm trying to make you feel better! Don't!" Mulder pulled out of her caress. Scully choked back a sob. "Mulder please...listen to me. I know you weren't yourself. I know you wouldn't do that. Mulder..." Her voice became softer. "I know you wouldn't hurt me." "I did hurt you though, Scully! I always end up hurting you!" Mulder stood up, knowing he was hurting her again by avoiding her touch, but being unable to tolerate the contact...or to receive any show of sympathy from her. "Damn it Mulder! Listen to me!" Scully's command startled him and he looked up, eyes wide. "I'm so tired of watching you punish yourself over and over and over for things that are not your fault! You don't hurt me, Mulder! You're my best friend in the world and you've saved my life as many times as I've saved yours! This isn't your fault, Mulder! Don't let me become another lash across your back, another reason to keep flogging yourself to death!" The shame at her accusations hit Mulder like a slap across the face. "I just can't stand hurting you, Scully! You're the only person in this world who has always stood by me. You're the only one I trust! You mean everything to me! Everything! And all I seem to do is hurt you! I just don't want to hurt you anymore, Scully!" "Then stop it! Just stop it, Mulder! We can deal with this. I HAVE dealt with this. Let's just put it behind us, Mulder. I'm willing if you are." The sound of their ragged breathing filled the room. Finally, Mulder sighed deeply and made his way back over to the chair. Scully returned to the couch, sitting tensely on the edge. "There's something else, Mulder." Mulder nodded, silently encouraging her to say whatever she needed to. "I don't know how much you remember, Mulder..." She started. "I remember it all now." "Well then Mulder...you must remember that you..." She swallowed hard. "...that you weren't the only one deriving pleasure from the act." There it was out. She blew her breath out between lightly pursed lips. The silence was unbearable and Scully felt her face coloring again. Mulder looked up and saw his partner sitting on the edge of the couch, her hands between her knees, her back hunched over. He considered for a long while, then decided that he had to take away her shame. He could at least do that. "Scully...Scully the only thing that has kept me from taking my own sorry, stupid life over this is the knowledge that you weren't completely miserable. I'm incredibly grateful that you could find some way to take pleasure in what happened. God! I only wish I could go back and make sure...make sure you knew...what it meant to me. What *you* mean to me." Scully felt a different kind of flush go through her body at those words. She crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself gently. Mulder watched Scully's arms come up in a classic protective gesture. He sighed. How was he supposed to help her understand without making her uncomfortable? He had to try. He had to keep trying. He kept his voice soft and low. "I'd make it good for you, Scully. I'd take my time...I'd make sure you knew...that it wasn't just sex. I'd..." Mulder licked his lips. "I'd make love to you Scully." Scully felt her entire body tingle as a wave of heat flashed top to bottom. She could feel her throat constricting. She willed herself to breathe. Mulder didn't take his eyes off his partner. His own breath was coming faster and louder now and he was afraid she would hear his heart beating it seemed so loud. "I...I'm sorry, Scully. I should leave now." Mulder stood up suddenly and turned toward the door. Scully felt frozen to the spot. The images Mulder's words had created in her mind were making her pulse race, but she was afraid. Afraid that Mulder was only saying these things to make her feel better. Afraid he didn't feel the way she did. Afraid that maybe it really would be better to just pretend it hadn't happened. But that was just the thing. It had happened. And Scully wasn't the same anymore...and it appeared that Mulder wasn't either. Mulder looked back, waiting for some sign from Scully. He thought his heart was going to explode through the confines of his tightly constricted chest. But he said nothing, and he waited. "No. Please don't." Mulder froze, thinking that he was mistaken in interpreting the meaning of her words. He felt himself getting hard and hot at the prospect that he was right. "Scully I need to know...I want you so much...I always have...but I have to be sure..." Mulder's voice trembled. He didn't turn around. "I don't want you to go." Scully's voice was soft but strong. "Come here." Mulder let out the shuddering breath he'd been holding and turned around. He closed the distance between them in a few steps and stood in front of Scully, his legs inches from hers. Scully heard him approach and looked up at his legs, now close enough for her to touch. Finally she looked up into his face, into his eyes. The dark intensity she saw there made her forget to breathe. Almost unaware that she was even doing it, she reached up and took his hand. He grasped it reflexively but didn't move. He held her gaze and spoke, low and soft. "Scully, you know what I want. I told you. Now I need to know...Scully I really need to know what you want." His voice became pleading, and his eyes burned her like fire. "I want..." Scully's voice was high and thin and she was trembling slightly. "I want what you want." Mulder felt Scully pull him toward her. With a shuddering breath, he let go of his resistance and bent to his knees. Scully expected him to press his lips to hers in a kiss, but instead he wrapped his arms around her and held her in a tight embrace, pressing the side of his face against her chest. He breathed against her, inhaling her scent. Scully felt her arms automatically wrapping themselves around her partner's trembling body. They held each other for a moment, then she felt Mulder's lips move against her skin. "I know you didn't want it before. Didn't want me. I have to know for sure, Scully. I'm sorry, but...Scully....I have to ask you again. Do you want me?" Scully put her lips to Mulder's hair and inhaled deeply. She knew his smell intimately. She would sometimes find a shirt or a tie or a forgotten jacket in her apartment and find herself holding it to her face, enjoying his scent. Did she want him? Only with every part of her body, mind and soul. Only as much as she wanted to keep on breathing. As she nuzzled his soft hair, she thought she had never wanted anything more. Mulder felt the heat and moisture of her breath against his scalp and shivered. He waited for her answer, and he thought that if the answer was no, that his heart might just stop beating entirely. He knew that if she turned him away now that it was over. If she didn't want him now, he knew that the damage he had done couldn't be repaired...that he could never expect her to receive his love...that he couldn't bear to be around her. He knew that if she didn't feel the way he did that he would have to find a way to let her go. "I want you Mulder." Scully felt a deep tremor shake his body and then felt Mulder's hot tears fall on her exposed skin. She brushed her shaking hands through his hair. Then she placed her hands on either side of his tear-stained face and turned it up to her own. She bent toward him and pressed her lips to his in a firm, gentle kiss. Mulder felt his body go weak at the kiss and knew that had he been standing his legs would be having a hard time supporting his weight. He moaned slightly as a wave of pure energy shook his body. He returned the kiss eagerly, gently touching his tongue to her lips, entreating her to let him in further. He gasped as she opened her mouth to him and he pressed his tongue deeply into her, hungry to taste every part of her lips, teeth, mouth and tongue. Scully felt Mulder's tongue plunging into her mouth and felt her own hunger take over her body as she tangled her hands in his hair and pulled him closer. She returned his assault on her mouth, sucking at his tongue and lips greedily, then she pressed her own tongue deeply into his mouth, stroking and licking and wanting to devour him. She felt his moan fill her mouth and answered it with one of her own, their bodies pressed tightly together as he kneeled between her legs. Mulder's chest pressed into Scully's body hard as he pulled her as closely as he could, running his hands up and down her back, grabbing and scratching, trying to touch all of her at once. He was shocked as Scully pushed his face backward and fell on top of him, pushing his body to the floor under hers. He tried to relinquish as much control as he could to her moving hands and lips, but as she straddled his hips he couldn't help but lift up against her and slide his hands up under that clingy little sweater. Scully fell on top of Mulder and gasped as her soft center settled itself roughly over his hardness. She moaned and pressed into him more firmly, scratching her nails down over his shoulders and arms as she moved against him. She sank her mouth down on his as she felt his big, hot hands move up under her sweater. The heat of his touch was delicious and she writhed in his arms as she plundered his mouth again. Scully's movements against his body were bringing forth a continuous stream of low moans from deep in Mulder's throat and his hands became desperate, struggling to pull the sweater off over her head, but reluctant to break the wet, frantic contact at their mouths to do it. He pulled it up over her head and she pulled her face from his with a wet sound and took her hands from his body just long enough to yank it off and toss it away. Then she sank back down onto Mulder, this time fastening her lips and tongue to his neck, as she made use of her tight abdominal muscles to hold her torso above his and allow her hands access to his buttons. The arching of her body brought her hips into even greater contact with his groin and she moaned against him. Mulder swooned at the feeling of all that soft, hot Scullyflesh under his hands then cried out when he felt her grind against him and scratch at his chest, undoing the buttons there. He felt like her hot little lips, teeth and tongue were drawing the life out of him as she sucked at his neck, and he briefly considered dying right here under this small, writhing body. No better way to go. But he wanted more first. Much much more. He marvelled at how small her back was as his hands practically covered the entire top half and his fumbling fingers pulled at the clasp of her bra. Scully had his shirt unbuttoned now and she yanked it free of his jeans and scratched her nails up his chest, moaning into his neck. She felt his hands release the back of her bra and couldn't fight the need to have all of her flesh pressed against his. She lifted her body up off of his and brushed her bra down her arms and flung it to the side, then sank down along the full length of his bare torso, sighing at the full body contact. Mulder saw Scully bare herself to him and his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open at the incredible sight of her perfect white breasts. He was only starting to take them in with his eyes when she took them away, laying herself full along his body. He groaned as he felt the soft, giving flesh pressed into his own hard chest. He pressed his hips up against hers and the pleasure was like pain and he didn't think he could stand it much longer. Scully marvelled at the feeling of Mulder's chest hair tickling against her bare breasts and she started to move down his body, slightly sad to have to break the contact of her groin with his, but wanting badly to use her mouth on his sweaty, tight body. Mulder's torso jerked up under her as her tongue made contact with his nipple and he found he was sinking his fingers into her shoulder, probably painfully. He quickly pulled them back and slid his hands along her arms as her soft hair brushed his skin, her body sliding down, dragging her breasts across his abdomen. "Oh god Scully no..." He reached down and tried to pull her back up. This wasn't supposed to be about his pleasure...this was about hers. She fought him, pressing her lips against his chest firmly, but his superior strength won out and he pulled her off him, holding her upper arms firmly with his hands. He looked up at her and his mouth dropped open at the amazing vision. Her hair was tousled, she had a slight sheen of perspiration on her face and chest, and he was transfixed by the hunger and desire that had turned her blue eyes a smoky slate. He gasped as her little pink tongue ran across her bottom lip and then let his eyes travel downward to where her beautiful breasts were rising and falling with her ragged breathing. "You're...You're just beautiful, Scully." He was rewarded with a hundred-megawatt Scully smile and he answered it with one of his own. Then he slowly rose up under her and gently rolled her over so she was under him, pressing his lips to her small white shoulders in little butterfly kisses as he did so. He gently pushed her coffee table out of the way with his legs and made room for their bodies on the soft carpeting. "I want to make this about you, Scully." Mulder said, trailing kisses down her chest, brushing his lips against her nipples and feeling her arch up beneath him. Scully felt his warm, soft lips on her sensitized flesh and couldn't stop her body from pressing up, wanting more. NEEDING more. She reached down and immersed her hands in his tousled brown hair as she felt his face move against her. Mulder opened his lips against hot skin and his tongue flicked out against one hard pink nipple. Scully jerked beneath him and he increased the contact, licking circles around her nipples, then catching them between his lips firmly and sucking, pulling little whimpers and moans from her which travelled directly from his ears to his groin. His hands held her hips and his thumbs made circles on her abdomen and pelvis as he paid his oral attentions to first one breast and then the other. He couldn't stop himself from pressing his painfully hard erection against her leg, feeling vaguely like an ill-mannered dog. His hands felt their way to the front of Scully's slacks and it was his turn to hold himself above her as he unfastened the button and zipper quickly. Scully was thrashing underneath him now, made totally helpless against this onslaught of lips, tongue and hands. She felt his fingers moving at the fastenings of her pants and raised her hips to help him remove them. She sighed deeply as she felt long fingers hook into the waistband of her panties and pull those down, too. She had already kicked her shoes off when Mulder had rolled on top of her, so Mulder had no trouble sliding them down her legs and off. He kneeled at her feet and extracted the clothes from her body gently, finishing by gently sliding off her socks and squeezing her toes. Suddenly Scully felt exposed. She was completely naked now and could feel Mulder just staring down at her body, not moving. She kept her eyes closed, uncomfortable under that intense scrutiny. "My god. I never thought...Scully I never thought I'd see you like this. You're just so beautiful...so beautiful." Mulder's fingers started brushing up her legs now and she trembled at his touch. He bent over her and kissed her knees, planting soft, quick kisses up and down her shins as he fingers moved in soft circles against her flesh. He worshipped her with hands and mouth. Scully felt herself relax under such obvious adoration and sighed into the pleasure of Mulder's hands and lips loving her legs. She breathed in sharply as she felt his face moving higher, the slight stubble of his cheeks abrading her skin of her thighs lightly, deliciously. Mulder breathed against the soft skin of Scully's thighs, his hands moving up her sides, his thumbs brushing across her nipples. She tasted so good...like rose petals on his tongue. He inhaled, pressing his nose into her flesh and moaning as he caught the scent of her arousal. He hips ground against her leg again as he pinched her nipples and opened his lips against her thighs in a deep groan. He moved his body higher along hers, and gently pressed his lips against her wet curls in a soft kiss. Scully let out her breath in a gasp as she felt Mulder press his full lips against her sex. She felt her thighs part involuntarily, asking him in. She was already so close. So close. She was afraid that one touch of his tongue would send her over the edge. She didn't want it to end. "Nnnno.." She moaned softly. Mulder stopped, his chin resting in her curls and looked up at her. "No? You don't want...?" He saw Scully close her eyes and shake her head from side to side, frustrated. "It's not that...just...not yet..." His eyes closed in relief and he nodded against her, letting his nose bump against her soft, wet center. Yes, he'd make it last. He'd make it last all night if she wanted. Me turned his head and put his lips to the tender skin where Scully's inner thighs joined her body. The smell of her made his whole body tremble and he swallowed back a groan as he trailed his tongue up that hot stretch of flesh, breathing deeply. Scully's hips rose to meet him and he heard a small whimper to let him know he was on the right track. He used his tongue and lips on the area all the way around her center, never delving in to take the taste he so desperately craved. He sucked and nibbled at tender flesh, and his nose and chin rubbed through her hair, coating his face with her moisture. Scully felt Mulder tasting and nibbling and teasing her and her hips moved in circles under his face, increasing contact when she wanted more, pulling back when it became too intense. She jerked beneath him when she felt his nose or chin press in against her hard little bundle of nerves and finally decided she couldn't stand any more. She grabbed the back of his head and raised her hips, pressing herself gently into his mouth in a silent entreaty for him to finish the job. Mulder groaned into her and the vibrations nearly ended it for Scully right there. She gasped loudly as she felt his tongue pressing in between her labia, touching and licking at her highly sensitized flesh carefully. He made quick, soft strokes up either side of her clit and she felt her body taking over as the convulsions mounted within her. When his full mouth closed over that little bit of flesh and gently sucked, she cried out and felt herself lost in a wash of heat and power and pleasure that obliterated all sight and sound and thought as it wracked her body with its force. Mulder felt her body shudder and buck and gush beneath him and struggled to keep his lips on her as he felt her ride out her climax. Her hands were pulling at his hair painfully and he was grateful for the sensation as it helped him focus on his task instead of the intense desire her orgasm fired in him. As he felt her lips slowly relax and lower themselves back to the floor, he took his lips off her and laid his cheek against her wet, trembling body and breathed deeply. He ached to be inside her and his eyes squeezed shut against the animal urge to take her. He listened to her breathing return to normal. He would wait for her to give him some indication that she wanted more. And if she didn't, he pull his tortured body off her and get himself to his car where he knew he would have to find relief before he could drive home. He almost came against her leg as he heard her high, breathy voice. "I need you inside me, Mulder. Please." Mulder quickly leaned back and fumbled roughly with the fastening of his jeans, then stood and pushed them down his legs along with his shorts. He realized he still has shoes on and cursed as he frantically toed them off without untying them, to be followed by the completed removal of his pants and shorts. He stripped off his socks and tore his shirt off his body, dizzy with need. Scully watched Mulder tear his clothes off and she shuddered at the display of his raw lust. She could not doubt now that he wanted her...NEEDED her as badly as she needed him. He looked as if he was hanging on by a thread of control, and she found herself lost in the depths of his dark, sparking eyes. He was completely naked now and he panted, hands clenching at his sides, as he willed himself to go slow, to remain in control. He looked down at the glistening, trembling body laid out on the floor before him and he felt an ache that stabbed through his belly and made his cock jump. God she was the most incredible thing he'd ever seen. "Now, Mulder...now!" Scully reached for him impatiently, unable to restrain herself from possessing that incredible, long, lean, beautiful man before her. She wanted all of him. She wanted to bring him deep inside herself and never let him go. At her words, something seemed to release itself in Mulder's body and swiftly lowered himself on top of her, smothering her face with sloppy kisses as he grabbed himself in one hand to guide himself in. Scully opened her legs to him widely and wrapped them around his thighs as he sank between them. She was sorry to lose the touch of his lips on her face, but he was much taller than she, and in order to get him where she needed him, he had to move his head up above hers. She contented herself with licking and sucking his trembling chest, raising her head off the floor and scratching her nails down his sweaty back. She felt him press the tip of his cock against her and her hips jolted forward, eager to have it all, right now. Mulder shook with the effort of holding himself back as he felt Scully's lips and tongue light fires on his bare flesh. He found her opening and pushed just slightly against her, and his mouth opened in a strained gasp as the warm wetness enveloped the end of him. Scully reached down and sank her fingernails into Mulder's hard, flexed ass cheeks and pulled his hips roughly against her own, trying to get him to push all the way in. Mulder felt the sharp sting of her nails on his ass as she yanked him forward and with a loud, long groan he sank all the way into her, totally and completely engulfed in her soft, tight, wet heat. Scully felt him panting, open-mouthed above her and she felt the thick hot length of him push all the way inside of her. There was no pain this time, only a feeling of being totally and completely stretched and filled and complete. She let out her breath in a long gasp as she felt their bodies join. Mulder lost the ability to think as he felt Scully's body squeeze around his in a tight warm hold. He held himself perfectly still, willing his impending orgasm to recede, feeling her clench against him even as he tried to think of something else. "Scully...wait...please..." Scully whimpered against him but stopped her inner caress, not wanting everything to end too quickly. It was just too good to feel him buried inside her. But she desperately wanted him to start moving. It was all she could do not to writhe underneath him. Shaking, she stilled her body's frantic movements, waiting for him to get control again. After what seemed like an eternity to Scully, she felt Mulder begin to pull back from her slowly, and the sensation was so intense, her head whipped back hard against the floor with a thump. She tried to move with him but the pleasure was so intense she could only tilt her hips up and emit a constant stream of moans and gasps as she felt him moving deeply in and out of her. Mulder had barely recovered himself enough to be able to move, and was grateful that Scully wasn't moving around him as he fell into a slow, deep rhythm. He wasn't sure how long he could do this without exploding, and his face was a strained mask of concentration as he focused on making her come first. Scully opened her eyes for just a moment and looked up into Mulder's face. The intense pleasure and strain she saw there made her lose her breath and she pressed herself up to meet his next thrust firmly. It was all she needed to push her over the edge for the second time that night. The world swirled away as she was engulfed in a wave of pure heat and pleasure, and she felt her body undulate on the recurring waves of an ecstasy that seemed to go on endlessly, driving the very breath from her body. Mulder felt her hips slam up against his and felt Scully's body start to shake and jerk and shudder beneath his. He bit down hard on his lower lip as he watched her mouth open in a large red 'O', her breath rushing from her in a long shuddering gasp. Her body rode the crest of her climax, clenching hard around him in unbelievably hard waves. With a shout, he rammed himself deeply into her, again and again as he felt his own world shatter with the force of his orgasm. He heard a loud roaring sound and dimly realized it was him, screaming her name in one long loud wail as he came. They sank against each other, each feeling the other's body shuddering and gasping in the aftermath of their lovemaking. Scully ran her trembling fingers over her partner's sweat-soaked body and he shifted to the side so he wouldn't smother her. She felt him slip out of her and made a small disappointed sound and snugged up tightly in his arms with sigh. Mulder felt her body press itself into his, their sweat making a seal of flesh to flesh, and he didn't think he ever wanted to move again. He lowered his face into the top of Scully's head and breathed in the smell of her scent and her sweat, their sex and their mingled body odors. He thought he'd never experienced a more wonderful perfume. He wrapped his legs around hers and pulled her even tighter. Eyes closed, he sighed her name. Scully awoke feeling the tickle and itch of sweaty skin against carpet. As she inhaled, her nose was filled with the heady smell of Mulder's sweat and hers, and the thick scent of their sex. She smiled against him and wriggled a little, stretching stiff muscles. It was wonderful to be here, wrapped in Mulder's arms, but she was sweaty and itchy and she realized she really had to pee badly. Reluctantly she disengaged herself from his limbs and stood up, stretching. Mulder felt the cool air on his body where her skin had been pressed against his. He shifted and opened his eyes and saw Scully stand and reach her arms toward the ceiling in a luxurious stretch. He ran his eyes over the long lean lines of her body, and marvelled at how high her breasts rode the muscles of her chest as her arms reached toward the ceiling. He found himself helpless, mouthing the words in a soft whisper once again. "Beautiful." Scully's eyes were closed but she heard Mulder's whisper as he looked her up and down and she smiled at the feeling of pure joy and pride that flowed through her. She gracefully stepped over his arm on still-trembling legs to make her way to the bathroom and he grabbed at her playfully. She evaded him easily and hurried across the room, only now checking to see if her blinds were closed. She relieved her bladder and then stood before the mirror, amazed at the disheveled, spent and sweaty figure staring back at her. For just a moment, her mind flashed back to that night, and staring at her ravaged reflection as she got medication for her very ill partner. This was so different. This time, she was exhausted and sweaty and shaking because Mulder had pleasured her body to an extent she would never before have believed possible. He had given her his heart along with his body this time, and she had given him hers once again. Everything was different now. But it was better. She wasn't sure how their lovemaking would affect their working partnership and their friendship, but his assault on her body weeks before had already demolished that wall, and she knew that what had just happened could only be a good thing. She smiled at her foreign image in the mirror and liked the way sexual satisfaction and love looked on her. But man did she need a shower. Mulder rolled over onto his side as she heard Scully close herself into the bathroom. After a few moments of silence he heard the shower come on, and realized how nice it would feel to have one himself. Raising himself on sore, shaky arms, he got to his feet and padded across to the bathroom door. He listened to the small splashing sounds and running water for a moment, then put his hand on the knob and gently turned it. Unlocked. He quietly stepped inside, already feeling his muscles start to relax in the steam of the small room. He made sure the door was firmly closed and locked this time, then turned back to the tub, and the curtain drawn around it. He was tall enough to just be able to see over the top of the curtain, and he watched as Scully turned and let the hot jets of water pound down on her shoulders and back. He cleared his throat to let her know he was there, in case she hadn't heard the door open and close. "Would you mind some company?" Scully smiled, thinking it had taken him long enough to ask. She had heard him enter the bathroom. She had felt the change in air pressure and the slight draft as the steam escaped out the door. She had listened as he closed and locked the door, and had been holding her breath in anticipation, waiting for his next move. "I was wondering when you were going to ask." Mulder watched one slender wet arm reach out from between the two halves of the curtain and he took her hand and climbed into the claw footed tub to stand next to her. He stepped up right behind her and pressed his body against hers, running his hands over her breasts and abdomen, nuzzling the top of her dripping wet head. Scully felt Mulder's body seal itself to hers and leaned back against him, sighing at the amazing familiarity that seemed to exist between their bodies. She grabbed his arms and pulled them into an embrace around her with a sigh. Mulder felt himself swell a little against her wet naked back, but he knew it was going to be a little while before he could give her any kind of repeat performance. But that didn't mean he couldn't make sure she was very clean. Very, very clean. And very, very happy. He opened his eyes and looked around the inside of the tub, and saw a metal rack suspended across the end. There were various bottles of bath gels, shampoos and whatnot neatly arranged in it. He shifted and pulled one arm out from around Scully and reached for a bottle that looked like liquid soap. He brought the bottle to his face and confirmed that it was indeed a bath and body gel, and he inhaled its scent and felt dizzy at the concentrated Scully-smell that filled his nostrils. It was a soft, creamy, lightly spicy vanilla scent, and he had no idea why that should be so arousing but it was. He reached his hands around in front of her body and poured a small handful of the soap in one hand. Scully watched as Mulder picked up her bottle of vanilla body gel and shivered against him in anticipation. She couldn't take her eyes off his large, graceful hands in front of her as he slowly filled his palm with the pearly liquid, then rubbed his hands together. She closed her eyes, unable to bear both the feel and the sight of his hands as they came back toward her over sensitized flesh. She gasped and pushed her head back against his chest as his hands slid up over her breasts and he rubbed the soap into her flesh, creating a thick, warm foam. She leaned back against him and her legs almost went out from under her as his hands moved all over her body, soaping up her arms, shoulders, breasts and stomach. She tensed in anticipation of feeling his hands sliding in between her thighs, then opened her eyes in surprise when instead, he pulled back away from her body. She turned around to see what he was doing and saw that he was looking up her, water running down his face in little trickles as the spray bounced off the curtain and hit him in the face gently. He was grinning, showing his teeth, and Scully felt herself smiling down joyously at that rare and beautiful sight. "Save the best for last." He said, as he got more soap and proceeded to lather up her legs from top to bottom. She moved her feet apart slightly to allow him better access and she felt her muscles tremble as his hands slicked up between her thighs, slowly rubbing the soap all over her, but still not touching her sex. When he had thoroughly covered her legs with sweet, soapy foam, he ran his hands up the backs of her thighs and slid his hands between the cheeks of her ass, gently soaping her there. She felt her body shuddering at that intimate touch and pressed her hips forward, toward his mouth, without realizing it. Mulder was very pleasantly surprised to see her requesting his attentions once again, and slowly, happily pressed his face into her curls, flicking his tongue up between her lips and pressing in. Scully was shocked at the intense contact, unaware that her unconscious movements had led Mulder to believe she wanted more of his oral ministrations. Truthfully, she was still so sensitive she didn't think she could stand it, and was quite sure she would end up with a concussion when her legs unavoidable buckled beneath her. She grabbed his wet head in her hands and pulled him back up her body. "I don't think I could handle any more of that." She said smiling, catching his lips in a kiss as he raised himself off his knees to stand in front of her once again. "Whatever you say." Mulder whispered against her lips, only slightly disappointed in the termination of his endeavors. He ran his hands up and down her body as the spray rinsed away the soap he had so lovingly applied. "How about this?" He turned her body in his arms, once again facing her away from his body, bending to plant warm kisses on her neck and shoulders, then straightening against her, his hands low on her flat belly. Scully watched as his hands once again poured bath gel into his hand, but this time he didn't rub his palms together. He grabbed her gently around the waist with one hand, while the soapy palm moved slowly down her belly. Scully stretched her arms up over her head, catching Mulder's neck in a tight embrace as his slippery fingers slid gently between her thighs. She was very grateful for the support of his arm as she felt her knees buckle at the sensation of his hand moving slowly over her sex, sliding between her lips and caressing her with large, slow circles. It was just the kind of touch she needed. Not too intense, the soap dulling the sensations somewhat, allowing her to relax and just experience it. His hand moved in large circles, rubbing the soap into her sex very thoroughly and gently. He continued the caress, pressing and soaping her in a constant circle around her clit. She felt the firm, gentle, indirect stimulation start to bring her to another orgasm. She sighed and leaned more heavily against him, feeling her legs start to tremble. Mulder felt her body weaken at his touch, and strengthened his hold on her small body, pulling her back into more direct contact with his now partially erect penis. He moved against her as he stroked her in firm, increasingly fast circles. He was surprised and proud at his ability to elicit such a strong response from her once again. Suddenly he felt her go slack against him and felt her shake and writhe as he brought her to another orgasm. The headiness of it combined with her slick wet skin grinding into his crotch resulted in him being much harder than he had thought possible after so short a time since has own climax. Scully relaxed totally in Mulder's arms as she felt the deep warm waves of her orgasm pour through her body. This was different than the other two times. She felt her body melt and throb against him and breathed out slowly, relishing the complete joy of it. As the waves of pleasure subsided, she realized Mulder was pressing his hips insistently against her and she was pleased and surprised to feel him hard against her once more. She recovered her breath, pressing back against him and sighing. He kissed the top of her head, wrapping his arms around her upper body in a warm embrace. After a few moments, she slipped out of it and picked up the bottle of bath gel, smiling. She was squeaky clean now, but Mulder was still dirty. Quite dirty. Turning in his arms, she poured the liquid into her hands, rubbing them together slowly and luxuriously, smiling up at Mulder's look of hungry anticipation. "We need to get you cleaned up, Agent Mulder." Her voice was low and throaty. Mulder looked down at Scully's delicate little hands, moving against each other as they spread the soap between them. He licked his lips as he imagined the feeling of those soft little hands all over his body. He didn't have to imagine long. Breathing hard, he watched as Scully pressed her palms to his chest then made large, firm circles over his flesh, lathering the soap into a sweet-smelling froth. Mulder wondered for just a moment if he would come out of this shower smelling girly, but as Scully's fingers rubbed the soap into his nipples in small, hard circles, he decided he didn't give a shit. She could paint him with ruby red lipstick all over his body if she made him feel like this. He moaned and leaned into her touch, rubbing her shoulders and back and brushing his hands through her wet hair. Scully smiled up at him and pressed herself against his now thoroughly soaped chest as she poured more soap into her hands and proceeded to reach around him to rub it firmly into his back. She couldn't quite reach the top of his back and neck, but Mulder completely enjoyed the feeling of her wet breasts mashed and sliding against him as she tried. He ran his hands down her back and squeezed her ass, pressing her more fully against him. Deciding she would have to confine herself to a lower area, she slid her hands down his back and pressed them between his ass cheeks, being careful of her fingernails as she rubbed the soap in thoroughly and gently. She felt his pelvis jerk toward her as her fingers slid gently over his anus. He spread his legs slightly to give her better access and she pressed up against the area behind his balls, moving her fingers in slow circles. She was rewarded with a deep groan. Mulder felt her little fingers sliding and pressing against him, his cock pressed firmly against her tummy, his hands squeezing her butt cheeks. His knees nearly buckled under the combined pleasures. His mouth fell open, watching her dark red head move down his body as she lowered herself to her knees in front of him. He steeled himself against the intense wave of sensation that threatened to knock his legs out from under him as she took his erection in her soapy hands and squeezed and slid her tight hold up and down the length of him, using both hands so that the contact was never broken. She watched his hips buck forward and felt almost sorry for him, wishing she could lend him the support he had given her when he was making her feel that way. Unable to do anything about it, she hoped his legs were more able than hers, and that the bar that ran around the perimeter of the tub, holding up the curtain, was stronger than it looked. She ran one slippery hand back between his legs, sliding his balls around in her fingers as her other hand continued to firmly squeeze and pump him. His hands grabbed her shoulders and he pushed her back, gasping. He didn't want to come yet. He was enjoying this so much. But one more second of that unrelenting stimulation was going to have him shooting his load, and probably all over her face. He was not stupid enough to think that real woman enjoyed that as much as the silicone-enhanced Barbie dolls in his videos. She looked up at him a bit disappointed in being thwarted, then shifted to the side to allow the shower's rapidly cooling spray to rinse the soap from his now thoroughly clean body. When she could see no residual traces of the bubbles, she reached over and turned off the water. The sudden quiet made her shy for a moment. Then she turned back to the site of Mulder's dripping cock and her former feelings of doubt disappeared. There was no way she was going to miss tasting that. No way in hell. Mulder could only stare helplessly as Scully situated herself on her knees directly in front of him, placing some folded washcloths under her knees for padding. His cock jumped and twitched with his labored breathing and he clutched his hands at his side nervously. He thought he must be caught in a mind- altering hallucination as he watched Scully's glossy wet lips wrap themselves around his straining flesh. He moaned and grabbed at nothing as he felt her hot pink tongue swishing around the head, then gratefully found purchase on the rounded curtain rod as she took him deep into her throat. He fought to keep his eyes open against the feeling of being deep in Scully's mouth, not wanting to miss the sight of her face moving back and forth below his navel. The unreality of the situation was simply staggering. Had he really fantasized this on so many endless nights? He didn't remember it feeling this good. How could he? It was only his own hand providing the stimulation then. This was Scully's perfect, red, loving mouth wrapped around his cock. He fought the urge to grab her head in his hands and fuck her mouth. He struggled to turn over complete control of the situation. She slid him impossibly deep and back out again, using the fingers of one hand to press her fingers into his perineum and squeezing the base of him with the other hand. Mulder gritted his teeth then bit his lip painfully as he felt his balls draw up hard against his body. "Scully...gonna come..." Scully was focused on keeping the rhythm going fast, hard and strong, and for a moment considered pulling back when she heard Mulder's warning. She normally did not enjoy letting a man come in her mouth, but she felt so relaxed and satiated and totally connected to Mulder that she wanted all of him. She wanted to feel him lose control deep in her mouth. Besides, he had just come recently so he probably didn't have the much to give her this time, she reasoned. She moaned deep against him and sped up her movements, hoping he would pick up on her unspoken communication. He did, or at least the overwhelming sensation of Scully deep- throating him faster and harder served to take the decision totally out of his hands. He threw his head back and pressed deeply into Scully's face as her name echoed off the tile walls. "Scuuuuuuulllllleeee..." Scully concentrated intently on letting the back of her throat catch his ejaculations and she quickly swallowed them down, panting through her nose. She gripped his ass cheeks, trying not to let her nails hurt him as she felt him jerk against her. As Mulder pulled back out of her mouth, she ran her tongue around him as if she were licking a rapidly melting ice cream cone. She planted one final kiss on his spent flesh before reaching up to his offered hand and rising from her aching knees. Mulder caught her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers in a deep, long, slow kiss. He felt like his heart was going to burst with the powerful feeling of love he felt for this incredibly warm, giving, sexy, gorgeous, talented woman. They both seemed to shiver at the same time, suddenly aware that the steam had dissipated and they were standing in a rapidly cooling bathroom, dripping wet. "Cold?" Mulder pulled Scully more tightly against him. "Mmm..." Scully answered, snuggling in. "Guess we should get dried off and put some clothes on." She turned her face up for one more kiss, then pulled away and parted the curtains, stepping carefully out of the slippery tub. She wrapped herself in the big white bathrobe hanging on the back of the door, then reached into the cupboard for a towel for Mulder. Mulder was just climbing over the edge of the tub as she turned and pressed a big soft Turkish bath towel into his pruny hands. He sank his face into it gratefully, rubbed his head vigorously, then quickly ran it over his body and secured it around his waist. Scully smiled, watching him dry himself with her towel, in her bathroom. She had always been secretly very attracted to a man in a towel, and couldn't help but lower her eyes to the place where the towel pressed against the skin below his navel. Sighing, she turned and opened the door to return to the real world. Walking out of the bedroom, dressed in a pajama top and shorts, brushing her fingers through her drying hair, she saw that Mulder had put on his boxers and his dress shirt and nothing else and was settled back on her couch in front of two steaming cups. Grinning, she curled up on the couch beside him and settled into his side, wrapping her hands around one mug. "Thanks, Mulder. Just what I needed." Her eyes twinkled, hoping he had caught the double entendre. He had. A lazy, mischievous smile made its way across his face. "Glad to be of service, Scully." They sat there, sipping their tea, his hands absently stroking her hair, her fingers under his shirt, playing in his chest hair. Scully finally leaned forward to set her empty mug on a coaster and spoke. "So Mulder...you never did tell me. Where have you been?" He set his own cup next to hers and leaned back. "I went for a walk. I just needed to get some clarity." "And did you find it?" He smiled at her. "Yeah I did." She returned his smile. "What happened? What did you figure out?" His eyes seemed to change color before hers, turning a deep chocolate brown. "Scully...I finally realized that I couldn't deprive myself of the joy of loving you any longer. I saw that as long as I avoided giving my heart to you for fear of having it broken, I wasn't really allowing it to live, anyway." She met his gaze evenly, and stroked his cheek with her hand. "Oh Mulder...I was so scared. I didn't want to let you in. But then when you showed up that night..." Mulder's eyes closed painfully at the memory. "No, Mulder let me finish. Yes you broke through those walls more forcefully than I would have liked, but I'm grateful that you got past them. I'm so grateful, Mulder." He opened his eyes now and could see she was sincere. He sighed. "I guess I can't help but be a little grateful too, as bad as I feel about it, because it led us to this. And Scully...this is better than anything I've ever had." "I know, Mulder. Me too." She leaned back and snuggled up to him once more, kissing his chest through the fabric of his blue dress shirt. She felt him press his lips to the top her head and then rest them there. She enjoyed the feel of it for a few moments, then took a deep breath. "Mulder...I'm still a little worried." Mulder spoke against her hair. "About what?" "I always felt that you showed me complete respect while we were working together. In fact, truthfully, you showed me more respect than any man I've ever known. I don't want to lose that, Mulder. I don't want you to treat me like a soft, vulnerable female just because I've let you into my bed. I want our partnership to continue as it always has been. I don't think I could work with you otherwise." She closed her eyes as she finished, afraid of his response. He sighed deeply into her hair. "Scully, I can't lie and say that I don't look at you differently now, and I can't tell you that it's not going to be harder than hell not to touch you now that I know how good you feel." He stroked her hair for a moment before continuing. "But Scully, I treat you with respect because I DO respect you. More than anyone else on this earth. And I need you...not just as my friend and my lover, but as my partner. I couldn't do what I have to do without your help...your brilliant mind and your amazing leaps of logic. I wouldn't want any of that to change between us either, Scully." She let out a deep sigh and squeezed him tight. "I should have known, Mulder. I should have known that you, above all people, would understand. I was stupid to even worry about it." Mulder said nothing and just smiled against her hair, hugging her back. He listened as her breathing evened out and became soft and regular and he stroked her hair, breathing in the scent of it as if to absorb it into his very spirit. Not that it wasn't already. Every curve of her body, every angle of her face, every nail on her hands and shade of her hair was imprinted forever in his mind and on his soul. She was his and he was hers and he knew now that it had always been this way and would always be. He felt Scully's heart beat against his chest and whispered a thanks to the benevolent spirits who had helped him find the way here. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx END. So...whaddya think? bizzzichick@yahoo.com ===== ~Satina (All NC-17, all the time.) ;-) http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/xtasy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "For Christ's sake, fuck that girl. Look at the way she's looking at you. Are you blind? Why do you think her mouth is always open?" (DD on what advice he'd give Mulder.)